by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
© 1990 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
i dont like to wait.
wait in line, wait outside, wait right there, wait for the tone, waiting to order, waiting tablesoh god dont get me started about waiting tables. waiting for you to order, waiting for her to order, waiting for the kids to make up their mindsmy god, will you make up your god damn minds!? you know what you wanti know what you want you know its gonna be the happy meal for them and the special for you. the special, because i made it sound so good, and cheapi even made it sound cheapand if not the special, the usual, because there just arent that many things on the menubut go ahead and think about it. you need a minute?you dont need a minute, but go on, take a minute. ill give you a minute, take my minutei dont have a minute to spare, but go on, take mine, take my minute, make me waitim your waiter, thats what i do, i wait. i wait tables.
i wait in line, i wait for the light. wait for it, wait for it waiting in the checkout line, waiting at the gym. i weight lift. i wait at the gym for the weights to weight lift. does that even make sense? theres not enough lead in the world? i have to stand around waiting for you to do one more, no one more, come on, one more okay, two more i just need the little one on the end. you cant give me five pounds and do one more rep to make up the difference? come on!
My mother always told me, "Patience, Patience." She was funny, that one. "Patience, Patience." Thats my name. Pati. With an I. One T! You know how long it takes for you to spell Patience? Youre wasting my time and yours. Patis quicker. Quicker to spell, quicker to say. Lot quicker to say, "Shut it, Pati," than "Patience, Patience." Why didnt they name me Pleistocene? Quicker just to smack her. "Shut it, Pati . Bam!"
Thats why I dont have kids. I dont like to wait.