A Guide to Our National Parks for People Who Hate Nature

Acadia National Park

(Maine)

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I have to admit, I'm biased toward Acadia National Park, because it was my first National Park. It is also our nation's first National Park*! And it's the first, alphabetically. So it's the perfect place to start!
(*East of the Mississippi, that is. You'll find that a lot of our nation's National Parks like to be the first at something. But Acadia National Park boasts one of the best firsts, because its tallest peak, Mount Cadillac, is the highest point on the U.S. Atlantic Coast, which means that if you are standing at the summit at daybreak, you will be far enough east and high enough up that you will become the first American on whom the sun casts its beams that day. Now don't you feel special?)
But the most awesome thing about Acadia National Park is that nowhere in the park is more than 10 minutes away from a nice restaurant that serves delicious Maine lobster. You see, the park, which sprawls across most of Mount Desert Island off the coast of Maine really began as a remote and idyllic popularized by visiting artists. During the "Gay Nineties" - that's the 1890s, for those of you who thought the 1990s were pretty gay, too - it became a place for the wealthy to build their summer homes. Then later, when the riffraff started coming onto the island with their smelly motor cars, some of the wealthy residents decided to preserve the island by buying up what property they could and donating it to the government as a national park. As a result, Acadia sprawls around several lavish estates. And the vacation town of Bar Harbor is imbedded in the midst of it. So you can get a room at a nice bed & breakfast that is just minutes away from most of the parks attractions and always be home in time for lobster bisque and New England clam chowder at night fall.
CADILLAC MOUNTAIN (sunrise)
PARK LOOP ROAD
JORDAN POND HOUSE
SAND BEACH
WHAT'S COOL ABOUT THE PARK:

HOW TO DO THE PARK IN A DAY:
Start your day at the top of Mount Cadillac, where the sun first shines on America each morning. Then go get some breakfast. Blueberry muffins. Blueberry pancakes. With maple syrup, of course. Then take a tour of the Park Loop Road. Along this route, you can see most of the park's more famous attractions. Sand Beach, Thunder Hole. In the afternoon, go for tea and popovers at the Jordan Pond House. Unless you've got shell fish allergies, you're going to have at least one lobster while you're there. If you don't like shelling them yourself, go for a lobster roll. It's just lobster meat on a bun. But somebody else had to do the sticky work. If you've still got the energy, take a swim in Echo Lake. Or go for a walk along one of the more scenic, but less strenuous trails.
HOW TO DO THE PARK IN ONE HOUR:
The park loop road is a scenic route that circles through most of the parks best known attractions and brings you back into town when it's done. You've probably seen this road in car commercials because it's exciting to see a sporty automobile zipping along a winding road overlooking a rocky shoreline. The Loop Road is especially lovely in the fall when the leaves begin to turn.
HOW TO DO THE PARK IN ONE MINUTE:
If you only have a minute to spend in Acadia National Park, it should be the minute before day break, and you should spend it at the top of Mount Cadillac. The highest peak on the eastern seaboard, Mount Cadillac is high enough up, and far enough east that it is the place where the sun's rays first strike in the morning. If you're there at day break, on any given morning, you will be the first American on whom the sun deigns to cast its beams that day. (Well, you and all the other Americans who gather there to do it.) You can find the hour of sunrise listed in the local paper.
HOW TO HURT YOURSELF IN THE PARK
Get trapped on Bar Island and starve to death! ...for 12 hours. Or better yet. Enrage the yellow jackets at the Jordan Pond House. If you like a little tea with your danger (or vice versa) the lawns of the Jordan Pond House is swarming with yellow jackets during parts of the summer as they attempt to climb into the jam pots that are served with the popovers. Keep the lid shut when not in use and you should be fine. But dining in a cloud of stinging insects adds a bit of excitement to an otherwise effete experience.
FOOD
What's not to like about a park where you are never more than 15 minutes away from a nice restaurant that serves Maine lobster and or blueberry pancakes. But one of the loveliest dining experiences is actually in the park. The Jordan Pondhouse is an existing building converted into a restaurant where you can have tea and popovers on the lawn with a marvelous view of the Bubble Mountains at the end of Jordan Pond.

THINGS YOU CAN SEE FROM YOUR CAR:

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