Okay, so maybe nobody really hates Nature. You just don't want to be out in it, am I right? There's all that walking around involved and exertion. And you're probably going to have to wear sunscreen. And the bugs!
But our Founding Fathers, in their infinite wisdom - Teddy Roosevelt was a Founding Father, wasn't he? His face is on that mountain, right? - set aside the very best* parts of our nation's Nature to form the National Park System.(*Because, seriously, there is some incredible stuff tucked away in those vast patches of green space cluttering up all our highway maps.)
And once you actually go there and get to know the Nature, some of it is really pretty bad-ass: Like the hazardous Teddy Bear Cactus of Joshua Tree National Park - our nation's most Xtreme Cactus - or the voracious Canyon Bears of Grand Canyon National Park who see human beings as nothing more than a source of food - particularly junk food - Doritos, if you got 'em.
But let's face it. It's a pain in the patoot peeling your posterior off the porch swing and hauling it down it to the nearest National Park to be devoured by bears. Plus you're gonna need camping equipment. And that of course might lead to camping. And who really needs that kind of trouble?
The correct answer is: Nobody!
But now - thanks to my handy online Guide - you can enjoy our nation's National Parks the way God intended: From the safety and comfort of your own car. Or walking distance from it.
The Guide is filled with sights you can see just a few steps from the roadside; conveniently-located snack bars and restaurants; hiking trails that don't take you too far from your parking spot - or better yet, hiking trails that take you from your parking spot to a conveniently-located snack bar or restaurant.
You'll learn how to do an entire Park in a single day without missing any of the good stuff.
Or, if you don't have that kind of time, I'll show you how to do the Park in an hour!
Or a minute, in case you just want to swing by on the way to someplace more luxurious and indoorsy, preferably with central air and a heated pool.
And, because I know you like to live dangerously, you'll learn the best way to get hurt in each park! Let your Nature-hugging co-workers go on a camping trip and come home with nothing but sunstroke and muscle cramps. Those things don't even leave permanent scars. Wimps!
Our nation's National Parks are filled with so many truly stunning natural (and unnatural) wonders. It would be a shame to waste it all on the Nature lovers, don't you think?
---Jeff Goode, indoorsman